Kristine, for lack of an imagination

06:11 am: It is 6:12 i have a final due in 6 hours, and all i can think about is my neglected livejournal
i wonder if anyone reads this anymore.

11:17 pm: Stanford...
there's an adorable folky boy who has lots of free folky music on itunes whose favorite book is everything is illuminated he went to stanford and he writes his set list on his arm for concerts...i believe i shall facebook stalk now.

12:25 am: Lifehouse!
saw a concert...saw brandon at the concert...saw the songs that got me through freshmen year played live...saw new guitarist who likes jumping on drum platform and would be cute if he had a bath...saw the mixing of alcohol and music not previously experienced at concerts (nsync)... ashamed to say that i also find teddy geiger attractive...

12:10 am: Goodbye
i'm off to big bear, whether i'll want to kill someone (jackie! my other self, in a wierd self-destructive way) by the end of the trip is uncertain. chances of getting hit by lightning whiles stubbornly sticking it out on the lake during the 100 percent chance of a storm: about 40 percent.

i was shopping today with my mother and the guy behind the counter starts scolding me on my shopping habits. did i know that with the money it takes to buy this one shirt, i could get 3 guys shirts in a pack that look almost the same? he went into elaborate details about how i could find the perfect size because it goes by chest width, and how they're a little bit thinner, so if i was planning to get wet, i could fully expose myself as if i was wearing nothing at all. i left the store feeling a little bit molested. in front of my mother nevertheless.



conclusion: GOODBYE i'll miss you.

07:34 pm: my ode to band
The pessimistic version:
goodbye uniforms that make us look like we're from star trek,
goodbye life-consuming rehearsals,
goodbye lugging equipment to the farthest field,
goodbye headaches from out of tune instruments,
goodbye band sluts,
goodbye suck ups,
goodbye white pants and menstruation at the same time,
goodbye 10,000 peopls in the stands or 8,000 people at the spectrum,
goodbye senseless ordering and yelling,
goodbye belittling,
goodbye speeches about being proactive,
goodbye hypocrasy and self-righteousness,
goodbye power trips,
goodbye bigoted speeches about finding your address in the bible or how gays were the target of hurricane katrina,
goodbye asshole(s).

i wont miss you.



the sentimental version:
goodbye watching steam rise off of everyone on cold nights
goodbye riding on the golf cart even though i'm not supposed to
goodbye hiding under the timpani at breaks
goodbye group trips to the food stations at competitions
goodbye lazy sleep on the bus
goodbye cuddling for warmth at chino
goodbye watching the clouds at chino
goodbye bonding over working hard and bitterly
goodbye watching the sunset amidst the chaos of rehearsal
goodbye susan, vince, and marie
goodbye hoping mike will come see us
goodbye massage lines
goodbye inside jokes
goodbye hugs
goodbye teasing
goodbye steel drum silliness
goodbye memories
goodbye band crushes
goodbye gossiping with pitt girls
goodbye ADD boys
goodbye bullying around alex
goodbye listening to brandon tell jokes under his breath
goodbye the place that jon and james always reserve for me in lion sleeps tonight
goodbye being in sync with taleen
goodbye watching grant grow up
goodbye feeling proud of pitt for rocking
goodbye feeling protective of whoever mr. weinberg decides to pick on
goodbye feeling like a family
goodbye feeling like i belong

i wont forget you. thanks for making high school almost decent.

07:08 pm: project runway finale woot woot
so in my day today god piled up all these little happy moments that amounted to quite a nice day. alone each one would have been ridiculously insignificant. but i didn't deserve so many at one time. sometimes people don't make your life hell, they make it sweet like chocolate icing. or marshmallows.


goodbye danny v., i'll miss you.

09:16 pm: maximum strength nyquil, tissues, and the special features of rent
1. take the maximum dosage of nyquil then try to stay awake. i swear to god its the closest legal thing you can get to a trip. its like you're moving around in jelly. your muscles tingle.

2. even if you hate rent, jonathon larson's story will make you cry. amazing man.

3. anthony rapp and daniel vosovic prove that gay men can keep girls hoping and announce bisexuality, or at least "80-20." and skinny funny looking boys who aren't afraid to dance make my heart hurt.

4. try not to get grossly sick the day you could actually be somewhere with the "cool kids" so you dont get stuck locking your coughing self into your room while your sister and her favorite cousin have a little girl sleep over and keep you tense with all the awkwardness. me and my mom's side of the family, not so great. they try, but you can't escape the fact that I'm the black sheep of the gigantic family tree.


i'm off to submerge myself in rent and nyquil again. good night.

11:26 pm: OPEN SCENE: kinkos 11:00 PM
black circles under my eyes from the makeup i never take off wet hair sweats and my mother. i don't think the public was ready to see that grotesque form of kristine yet. fortunately it was completely empty. instead of elevator music mixed in with the depressing drone of copy machines it was my humps by the black eyed peas which turned into another annoying song too bouncy for the middle of the night. a balding man with glasses singing along. "this is like my favorite song ever." the boy behind the counter popping in and out of rooms and boxes on the floor looking for black backs to bind my stuff with. "um...we're out of black is blue ok?" if i had half a mind i would have asked him to do it in pink or something. what now psychology teachers psychoanalyze this.

CLOSE the hell of the extended essay chapter of my life. thank god.

12:54 am: so yeah danny won now you all know woot
i didnt actually watch the show though. i did see the end where danny's looking adorable hugging everybody with his eyes closed and nick is sweet and cries when he knows andre has to go home.

1,550 words...halfway there.

89.64 in english. i hate mrs. alvarez. thats way too close for comfort.

08:11 pm: Bravo cheats and posts results TWO HOURS before project runway actually runs
so i know who won this challenge.....
i'm mad at myself because now all the intensity is gone...
danny is so pretty he kissed nick darn....
i don't like the reasons that doc didn't like brokeback, he took the movie the wrong way....
i have an extended essay due should i do it hmmm.....
my SB friends think me and jackie are mental and that we hate each other....
i have a sore throat....
i hate government i miss mr. blanc...
i should start my extended essay.....
i should start my extended essay...
i should start my extended essay....
i really need some nutella or something.


AAAHHH.....

07:33 pm: FINALS ARE OVER YESS........
today was quite lovely. sitting with taleen caitrin and holly and talking and ranting made me feel better. then i got to take a nap and then went to the stables and jessica surprised me and we sat in my car and talked in the dark. lots of talking today.

i miss being with all of you kids. friends have kind of taken back seat to IB crap.

11:32 pm: Happy New Year
30 minutes before the deadline i finished my last application.

YESSSSSS. It is over.

09:33 pm: Rent is like medicine for the angsty teenage heart
will i lose my dignity?
will someone care?
will i wake tomorrow from this nightmare?



there are parts where i'm just thinking about it and it still makes me cry. criticisms will come later when i'm not so sentimental.

on a lighter note "naked dorm guy" from gilmore girls who is adorable is in the aids circle group and he sings my favorite part of life support, and when he fades away at the end i was so so so so sad. so maybe not so light a note.

10:13 pm: kristine's real life versions of Plath's amazing lines, without the amazingness
Plath: And now every German reminds me of you.
me: every time i smell the cologne you wore i try to find where it came from with the odd chance that that person might be you.


Plath: Every woman loves a Fascist.
me: why are girls stupid enough to let boys get away with it?


Plath: Daddy, daddy, you bastard, i'm through
me: *constantly thinks this general concept because when i'm mad words dont seem to come out* - its coming out more and more now that college apps loom dangerously near


thank you sylvia plath you're amazing, your poetry makes my heart hurt.

12:44 am: maybe i had too much coffee...
i can't go to bed and its that point where homework doesnt matter

first day of my life is a "deep cut" of an indie rock love songs list that itunes has.

now you know

11:59 am: Giggles: a day in sophomore year
Agenda Civ MUN: (we had to one of these eevery day)

1. Agenda/Journal
2. Collect WCIMUN mondy
3. Test
4. Prayer


Journal #6
Do you think that industrialization has improved the lives of people today? Explain.

Do I think that the Industrialization has improved the lives of people today? Well if you feel like being happy and optimistic then sure, and that's probably the reality for the upper working class and us here orangecountians who live in cookie cutter house with automative sprinklers and refrigerators that talk to you when you are lonely but for people in ghettos who have to pay extra for all their industrialization yet have no healthcare then it is quite the opposite. it is especially unbeneficial to a fifteen year old girl who has just taken a Doc test, had no time to study, has no idea what the spinning jenny is, and......



and then i didnt have to write anymore because i reached the end of the page

the messy writing of the real thing did a better job expressing my little sophomore sarcasm and anger.

09:35 pm: Soo....Those SAT's tomorrow
instead of studying today i watched my gilmore girls dvd set and was very happy. then i pretended to study while i left it on so i could listen to them babble.

and then i got on the computer and tried to look up exactly what i had to do for all this nonsense and got sidetracked by itunes and livejournal. i found out that the kind of lame band switchfoot that i cant help but listen to has quite the emo taste in music. which makes them emo christians. woo no wonder i like them so much.

speaking of christians i was happy to see all the kairos kids. i missed sharing food with kelly :(.

09:50 pm: And The World Suddenly Makes Sense
Trudging through Hamlet I actually learn something worthwhile:

I finally understand why actors always hold a skull while they chant "To be, or not to be." And all this time I thought it was just a senseless drama flourish.

woo 50 pages left.

03:23 pm: Yeah I'm back i'll talk about the Philippines later it was fun
I'm off to Big Bear. in two hours. and i havent exactly packed. o well.

There's a RENT MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I freaked when i saw the commercial. it better be as awesome as the play. in the commercials the people wear the exact same thing as they do in the play, so that's cool. and the table where they talk about the vie boheme is identical too.

the end. i'm so hyped. i LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE RENT.

12:18 am: So... I'm off to the Philippines on friday
Today, after two weeks of indirect remarks about how i dress too casually, my mom straight out said i dressed trashy. That very word. God forbid i go outside in jeans and a tshirt. Her very definition of trashy.

It led to a long, onesided conversation about how in the philippines, i have to keep the image up. see, my mom's side of the family is spattered with a whole lot of b-list filipino celebrities. she talked about being popular in college because her uncle owned the hippest bar, and how if they see me for the first time with ugly clothes and bad makeup, i'll probably get the family uninvited to a dinner social or something. filipinos are, by nature, by blood - judgemental, bullying, obnoxious, vain, and just bad with money. they can't help it.

the more she talked, the more i got the uncomfortable feeling in my stomach that for two weeks, i was about to spend every waking moment surrounded by the kind of people i try really hard to avoid in order to keep myself from hating humanity.

the worst part is that's who i am. i'm going to go there and see myself in those people. all the bad stuff is in my blood too. i'm not just filipino, im a hypocrite too. woo woo.